Self Leadership Series – Part 1 #1 Something needs to change
This post explores the idea that when we find ourselves in a ‘stuck’ place that only we can truly be our ‘own rescue’. It also highlights the importance of leaders prioritising and focusing on their own development is the catalyst for change in the broader ‘system’ (team, organisation).
Fourteen years ago (age 36) my external world looked bright, but my internal world was dark and empty. I was unable to see the beauty of the flowers in the garden. I was unable to feel the joy emanating from my three beautiful daughters. I was unable to experience and connect with the magic of life that was all around me. I was a prisoner to my own thoughts. Alive but not living. Surviving but not flourishing. I was so consumed by this experience at the time that I could not really see what was happening and nor did the people that loved me in my life have any idea at the depth of the hollowness I had found myself in. I did know one thing however. I knew that something needed to change.
I realised no-one else could make that change. I had a choice to make and I knew that I needed to be my own rescue. I made a promise to myself to stop focussing on the ‘shoulds’ and the barrage of mental chatter and to follow my heart ( I didn’t even know what that meant at the time). This was a turning point and the start of a commitment to move a little more towards myself.
In the years that followed, I sought out new experiences and people that experienced the world in ways different to what I knew ( & how I had been socialised), I learned to connect with and to express and honour how I was feeling; I got better at regulating my emotions and learned how to become the observer of my thoughts; I practiced meditation and trained as a yoga nidra teacher; I surrounded myself with friends, colleagues and therapists that could really ‘see’ me and support me when I couldn’t do that for myself.
I became a student of art therapy which was perhaps the most transformative part of my evolution to date. It was through the non-verbal language of symbols and exploring and experimenting with art process that I was able to connect with and come into relationship with my own inner landscape.
I finally had accessed some of the ‘felt’ or ‘embodied’ experience of what people meant when they talked about this idea of ‘leading from the inside out’.
Through the mirror that other people held for me ( we all do that for each other), I started to see and begin to own who I really was and to claim the parts of me that I had never known and certainly not owned, celebrated nor leveraged in my life.
Through this time, I continued to work as a leadership, change and culture professional and in 2014, I began my current leadership and culture practice – Evolving Leaders –with the purpose of evolving the consciousness of leaders to make the world a better place.
What I have witnessed repeatedly through my organisational development work is that unless leaders prioritise and focus on their own evolution and growth then change in the system (team, organisation,) will be limited.
The simple fact is that organisations don’t change, people do.
The same applies in life whether we are in a formal leadership ‘role’ or not, doesn’t matter. What does matter is, that when we consciously focus energy and effort towards our own evolution and growth we begin to unpeel the layers of our socialised selves. This is the pathway to getting a little closer to who we truly are. When we choose this path, we ignite change not only in ourselves, but become a source of inspiration for those around us – our families, teams, communities and organisations.
The second post in this series will look some of What I’ve discovered about self-leadership.
This post is an excerpt from my draft book Activating Self Leadership.
Photo Credit: Bree Hughes 2022 (Taken on a trip to Mt Field National Park with Bree to see the Turning of the Fagus)
It’s been a while since I put pen to paper and shared new material. The reality is that I have been moving slowly and quietly in the background working with great clients delivering leadership development programs. I have also been allowing myself space and time for self-care and reset.
During lockdown of 20/21 I drafted a book on self-leadership. I am so glad that I did. At the time, I was rushing to publish it – ‘willing it’ across the line – driven perhaps by the ego part of self that wanted to be an ‘author’ and feeling like that was the next step on my professional journey.
A trusted confidante, at the time, gave me feedback that was hard to hear at the time- the book wasn’t there yet – it needed simplifying. I was shattered- it had been such a labour of love for many months and this wasn’t what the outcome that the ego part of self wanted.
Fortunately, within a few days, I was able to see what a gift this ‘pause’ in the process was. What became clear to me was that not only was there more work to be done on the writing side, but that in my mission to get it published and out into the world, I was not practicing or embodying the very messages that were the foundation of this book on self-leadership. The book needed to pause and most importantly I needed to pause.
Eighteen months or so later, I am so grateful to have put these 40,000 words or so on paper. It has enabled me to capture and share many aspects of my own self leadership journey which by its very nature has been insightful and healing. At a professional level, the writing process has enabled much of my own sense making about self-leadership and positively informs my coaching and leadership development practice.
At this stage, I have no intention of publishing the book. I have decided however, that it doesn’t need to be in a book format for me to share aspects of it with you. So, over the coming weeks and months that’s exactly what I will be doing – sharing excerpts from the book in a series of weekly posts.
In the Self Leadership Series- Part 1, I will share where my own self-leadership journey began and the sense making that I have made along the way about self-leadership. We will look at what self-leadership is, why it matters and introduce the three keys that can be used as a guide to bring greater levels of consciousness to our own self-leadership practice.
I hope you can join me!
With love and gratitude,
Nicola x
As this year comes to a close, I wanted to say a massive thank you to you – the wonderful leaders I have had the privilege of supporting in 2021. I especially want to extend that gratitude to the dedicated health professionals and other leaders in our community at the forefront of the Covid response that we thought might have been a sprint but is turning out to be a marathon.
There have been so many acts of extraordinary leadership – often at great personal sacrifice – and to these people I say thank-you.
I took a pre-xmas break and spent much of that amidst the magical wildflowers on Taungurang Country – Mount Buffalo in the Victorian Alps. It was a reminder to me of the regeneration and healing that happens when we spend quiet time in nature – something that has been known and practiced by Aboriginal people for thousands of years.
“My people are not threatened by silence, we are completely at home in it. We have lived for thousands of years with Nature’s quietness’’ – Miriam Rose Ungunmerr Baumann 2021 – Renowned Aboriginal artist, Educator and Senior Australian of the year 2021
If we can create habits and practices to spend time in nature and learn to be still and silent in its presence, then we unearth our own special relationship and begin to understand viscerally just how interconnected we are.
When I spend time in nature, I find the clutter and confusion falls away, my busy mind can release and my body relaxes. If I am sharing this experience with another, I find the simple act of walking shifts any energy that is out of alignment in the relationship and opens up greater levels of connection. New insights appear often in a most unexpected way. I return energised, clear and focused and ready to be present with whatever comes next. It is my happy place 😊 The place where I feel most connected to myself and where I feel a powerful connection to something greater.
Amongst the uncertainty, shifting goal posts and intense noise and distraction that has become our new norm, I believe that spending time being present in nature is perhaps the greatest antidote we have available to us.
As you embark upon this festive season, I hope that you too can spend some quiet time in nature – refilling your own cup and honouring mother nature as the great teacher and healer that she is.
Sending love and light for the festive season wherever you are.
See you in 2022.
Nicola x
PS You can read Miriam Rose’s full article here🙁 and it is well worth taking the time to do that)
As we continue to navigate ongoing uncertainty and a need to find a way to live more fluidly in many aspects of life, I wanted to re-share this post that I wrote in August 2020 (Lockdown 2.0 – as it has now come to be known amongst we Melbourne folk).
This post is designed to get you thinking about how you are being with yourself and each. It invites us to consider the benefits of:
– being more real with ourselves and more vulnerable in our sharing,
– listening without judgement and without need to ‘fix’ the other person; and
– safely expressing how we are feeling to help stuck energy move through us so that we can function more effectively.
Much of my current work is focused on supporting leaders to activate greater levels of self-leadership.To begin to do that more effectively we need to develop our capacity to observe our thoughts and feelings, learn to listen without judgement or a ‘need’ to fix anything, and to find health ways to express. I see these as ‘being a human foundational 101 skills’ that mostly we must learn these skills as adults as we were neither taught ‘how’ nor had the benefit of having this way of being modelled to us. Developing these skills are essential to activating greater levels of self-leadership and the myriad of benefits that come with that for both life and leadership.
During this week – a week in which millions of people across Vic, NSW and SA are currently in lockdown, there were over 1600 views of this post on Linked-in. I don’t think this is a coincidence. Perhaps, with the pressure lifted to new levels for many people, the need to know how to navigate our emotional landscape so that we can take care of our mental health and function effectively amidst the constantly shifting landscape – is what we are all needing more of right now?
Enjoy the read and please reach out and let me know if it’s helpful for you.
With love,
Nicola x
PS If you are in the Sydney lockdown – sending extra love and support at this really difficult time.
This post introduces a short process to help you check -in on the health of your relationships so that you can bring back to sharp focus the people and relationships that matter most to you in your life and leadership.
In an earlier post I introduced this idea of how we need to be intentional in how we allocate our ‘mental real estate’ as it a finite and not infinite resource that we must use wisely. Amongst all of the competing demands, sometimes life bolts forward without us. When this happens we can lose focus of the relationships and people in our lives that matter most. Perhaps you can relate to this in your own life?
Part of self-leadership involves us slowing down enough to notice this has happened – and to intentionally check in on the ‘health’ of our relationships so that we can get clear on what needs to change to grow connection.
I want to share with you a process that I use in leadership workshops. It is designed to help you bring focussed attention to acknowledging and better understanding the health of your key relationships. Taking time to do this can be a powerful way of being a little more strategic on where to invest your precious time and effort, and to therefore better allocate your ‘mental real estate’. It can help you to cut out some of the noise and distractions and re-align your efforts to the things and people in your life that matter most.
I invite you to bring your own life circumstances and relationships into the arena here. Take out your notebook and complete the following short process:
1. Select 5-10 key relationships – can be a mix of work/home/other – key is that the relationships that are important for you in your work and life –and that they are ones that you are willing to intentionally focus on to grow and strengthen.
2. Rate the current ‘health’ of each relationship – based on your assessment of the level of trust ( a topic that we have not specifically covered here but one that I am sure you have a good sense of) that exists between you and the overall quality of each of these relationships (in terms of the level of health, transparency, openness and any other factor that you consider as important in your relationships). Allocate a current health rating if between 1 (a disaster) and 10 (couldn’t get any better) to each of the relationships.
3. Set aspirational target for each relationship – goal is not to get each relationship to 10 but determine where you would like/ and or need that relationship to be and a part of that will be factoring in which relationships are the most important to you.
NB. This is like your secret plan – it’s not something you would of course share with the people on here – it is about focusing your energy and attention and being intentional about the relationships that you want to grow.
4. Identify one specific action you will take to grow connection in each of these relationships and commit to a plan to make that happen.
What do you notice? How do you feel?
This exercise may bring up all sorts of things for you. Often people experience a gap between where they thought the ‘health’ of a key relationship was and where they find it actually is.This is not unusual when we move from autopilot to bringing focussed attention.
For one client what he realised is that he had been putting so much every and effort into a particular relationship and that it was not being reciprocated at all. He made a choice as part of this insight to back- off on this relationship and reallocate some of that energy and effort elsewhere.
Another client said she felt sick when she realised what she termed – ‘the sad health state’ of her relationships and felt a compelling need to bring greater energy and focus into immediately rectifying this situation. We explored the broader context around this situation which was connected to the leader being in a job that she was finding to consuming and her struggles with wellbeing. So for this leader, this self-discovery process left her considering what was enabling her and what was limiting her in terms of her current reality more broadly.
Through taking the time to bring awareness to the current ‘health’ of our relationships and connecting with how we would like this relationship to be, we are well positioned to take appropriate action to grow connection and to make better decisions and choices about our lives and leadership.
Wishing you happy, connected and healthy relationships. Please reach out if I can help in any way.
This post looks at the beliefs we hold through the lens of being like ‘organisms’ that are fuelled from the ‘evidence’ that we feed them. It provides you with a short process to surface the limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of a reality you want to create. It then invites you to identify a possibility-fueled belief to displace the one that is keeping you stuck and to get the structure and support in place to ‘feed’ this healthy belief to so that you can intentionally create the reality you desire.
We all have a set/series of base beliefs that control how we experience ourselves, others and the world around us. These beliefs can be either limiting or enabling and from that place they either take us away from the life we want to live or toward it. They tend to be ‘I am’ declared statements, for example:
- I am a good friend/ I am a bad friend
- I am lovable/ I am not lovable
- I am capable/ I am not very capable
- I am resilient/ I am not a resilient person
- I am worthy/ I am not worthy of (being happy, belonging to this group etc ).
As an example of a limiting belief, if we have a base belief that everything in life is scary, then when events and situations happen we are more likely to react to them from a place of fear. Because this belief that life is scary governs how we see the world, we aren’t able to respond to the same events and situations from a place of possibility.
Living organisms: a metaphor for beliefs
I was recently introduced to the idea of thinking about beliefs as being living organisms. This metaphor really resonated with me, so I wanted to share it with you. Just as organisms seek out and feed off the things that nourish them, our beliefs look for evidence to validate their own viewpoint. When a belief locates evidence to support itself, the belief (as the organism) becomes bigger and stronger. Let’s look at a short example of this.
In 1987, at the age of 17, I had an English teacher say to me, ‘You really don’t write very well, do you?’ Those eight words, almost a throwaway line on the day, stayed with me. They cemented a core belief in me that what she had said was true, that I am not good at writing. She was, after all, a highly qualified and experienced teacher of English (evidence to feed that belief).
Having accepted this belief was true and that there was nothing I could do about it, the belief continued to seek out and gather ‘evidence’ to support itself. It did this for the next 30 years. 30 years: that’s a very long time. I would write a personal message on a birthday card and immediately judge it as not very good. I would take hours and hours, beyond what was reasonable, to write an otherwise straightforward board report or business presentation. I would become annoyed with myself for my seemingly inept attempt to articulate how I was feeling in my own personal journal – something no-one else was ever going to read! All this ‘evidence’ continued to fuel this belief that I was not a good writer.
It took many years for me to really understand how accepting this fear-based belief as true was limiting me in the direction I wanted to head with my life and my business.
In 2017, at the age of 47, I made a clear decision. This belief had had power over me for too long. Sitting on the cusp of a massive growth edge, I nervously yet knowingly chose to put this belief into a metaphorical ‘backpack’. It was time to allow the internal voice of my own wisdom to be truly acknowledged and lead the way. That little voice inside me was telling me that I needed to write and share what I had learned with others. With the support and encouragement of David (a professional editor) by my side, I started my blog in 2018.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing by any measure. I recall a phone call from David after I had drafted my very first blog. Let me just say for various and very legitimate reasons it was scrapped altogether. A total disaster. But I had made a start. What could have been some new evidence to support the belief that I did not write very well, I chose to ignore rather than attach any weight to it. The exciting thing was that very soon I discovered how much joy I felt when I was writing. Before long, the writing was flowing freely and I had released a flow of material and insights that wanted to be shared.
Here we are in the third year of my blog and there’s plenty more to say yet! And there is a book on the way as well.
Turning fear-based beliefs into possibility-fuelled beliefs
Perhaps you have a belief that is getting in the way of a reality you want to create or a project you want to realise or a relationship you want to nurture? Can you pin it down? Can you identify how it’s reinforcing itself with self-fulfilling ‘evidence’?
The first step in a situation like this is to get clear about the reality that you want to create. You then need to understand what you have control over.
I really wanted to share what I had learned with others through writing a blog.
I had control over choosing a different belief. I had control over starting to write anyway. I had control over identifying and engaging the support that I needed.
The next step is to surface the beliefs that are keeping you from moving toward that reality.
I am not good at written expression.
Then choose a more helpful belief:
Possibility-fuelled belief: I am worthy of sharing my experience with others through writing a blog /I am able to be useful to others through my written expression/ I am capable of writing a blog that is worth reading.
Now, there are three things to bring this all to life:
- make a conscious choice to feed the new belief and starve the old belief
- get the support in place that you need to help you create your reality, and
- start to look for evidence to nourish the possibility-fuelled belief to become bigger and stronger
In my case, the old belief – I cannot write – no longer lives within me. As I somewhat nervously published my blog, putting it out into the world, magic started to happen. I received emails and phone calls from people thanking me for something I had written that had resonated for them. This became powerful ‘evidence’ that supported my new belief – I am capable of writing a blog that is worth reading.
Do you have a new reality that you want to create?
What do you have control over in this situation?
What fear-based belief/s are limiting you?
What is the new possibility-fuelled belief that you choose?
What ‘evidence’ do you already have that supports this new belief?
What support do you need to keep growing the ‘evidence’ that makes sure this belief thrives and fuels your desired reality?
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Visit www.evolvingleaders.com.au to learn more about our Leadership Development Programs and Coaching.
Well, while it;s fair to say that 2020 has been nothing like any of us anticipated, one of the gifts for many was finding ourselves with a little more time and space on our hands.
What was the favourite thing you created this year?
Well for me there were two things: The expanded vegetable patch to now include passionfruit, kiwi fruit and more silver beet and celery than the kids would ideally like; and, the writing of a little book about what I’ve discovered about self- leadership derived from over a decade of personal and professional learning and practice.
As it turns out – both creative projects continue to be works in progress – as I battle with the birds and the possums and slugs, while also enjoying the flowers on the strawberries and tomatoes in the vegetable patch; and, simultaneously re-shaping and renaming of my little book – thanks to a dear friend and colleague who helped me to see a better way forward. I am forever indebted to the creative process with its insights and blocks and lumps and bumps until clarity finally beckons!
I can’t wait to share my little book with you in 2021.
What is clear to you now?
One of the gifts that can also come from tough times, is that we get clearer on what matters to us most and if we listen to that we can make more conscious choices about where we want to put our precious time and energy. Does that resonate for you in any way from your experience of 2020?
During this year, for me, it became even more apparent that we all have a responsibility to listen to that little voice inside of us that is saying ‘something needs to change’; to explore and connect with self around this ‘invitation’; and to take conscious action. Rinse, repeat. This is the practice of self-leadership.
Some of what I have also ‘crystalized’ this year about self-leadership is that;
– We are responsible for our own evolution and growth. Period.
– Learning about ourselves and growing our effectiveness as leaders is a lifelong process that takes focus, commitment, and a clear intention.
– Unless we carve out space to do our own personal learning, life will continue to drive us rather than enabling us to shape our own reality.
Building on all of that, what is super clear to me now is that the number 1 focus of my work in 2021 is bringing The Practice of Self-Leadership to a wider audience. This is work that we all have to do – irrespective of whether we are in a leadership role or not.
The Practice of Self Leadership will be made available to a wider audience in 2021 through:
– 6-month individual coaching programs commencing in February 2021 (I’m opening up six new places only – get in touch soon if one of those is for you),
– Self as Leader – Leadership Development Program – (in house) Continuing to facilitate our 3-month core leadership program
– Self as Leader – Leadership Development Program – (public program) – Dates for 2021 will be posted soon (via remote learning)
The good thing is that it wherever you are in the country (or in the world) The Practice of Self-Leadership – individual coaching and leadership development program can come to you. Please get in touch to register your interest or to find out more.
A moment to pause…
Conscious leadership is not possible without carving out – literally quarantining space to reflect, reset and do our self-work and there is no better time to do this than at the end of this year of 2020! So grab a piece of paper (or audio or video record it on your phone if that’s your thing) and take a few moments to reflect on these questions:
Fill in the blank: This year, I feel proud of myself because ___________.
Which six ‘feeling’ words describe your experience of 2020?
What was the favourite thing you created this year? (a project, a fabulous meal, a garden, space for you….)
Can you remember a time in 2020 when you thought you couldn’t do something (“This is too hard, I’m overwhelmed, I can’t do this”), but then you surprised yourself and you did it?
What is something you want to leave behind in 2020 and not carry into 2021?
What’s your intention for the festive /holiday season? (I wish to experience…….)
Take a big breath out …. you deserve it
A special thanks to the wonderful leaders I have had the privilege of supporting in 2020. It’s been a massive year. To those of you in the world still in the thick of the pandemic sending love and healing to you.
To my fellow Victorians well done – we did it. Sending love and light for the festive season wherever you are.
See you in 2021.
With love
Nicola x
There is a lot to navigate right now isn’t there? How are you holding up?
When Dan Andrews announced extensions of stage 4 restrictions for Melbourne Lockdown 2.0 on Father’s Day 2020, the news wasn’t unexpected. In some ways I let it wash over me that day. That night, however, I tossed and turned and did not sleep well.
Monday came around again and as I was looking down the barrel of another week of what felt at the time like Groundhog Day, I awoke feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how I or anyone else was going to endure several more weeks of lockdown. I felt heavy and stuck and I was unable, in that moment, to focus on anything other than doom and gloom.
To compound how I was feeling, I started to feel guilty about feeling that way. Given all that I have to be grateful for in my life I should be able to just think positive thoughts and get on with it.
How often do we give that advice to ourselves and offer or give that advice to others? It has its place but sometimes it’s not helpful and can even be harmful.
Not surprisingly this harsh inner-critic compounded how I was feeling. Luckily for me, with my husband working from home we had some extra time together over breakfast (one of the many gifts that isolation has given us). He was able to be present with me and just listened as I explained to him how I was feeling in that moment. I didn’t hold back and left no stone unturned. He didn’t try and ‘fix’ anything. He was present and he listened. I cried. He passed the tissues and he listened.
After the 10 minutes it took for me to do the offload, he said, ‘I am sorry that you are feeling that way’ and gave me a big hug.
You know what happened then? The veil of heaviness that had surrounded me began to lift. I felt so much lighter. I mustered up the energy for a walk and reflected on that little bit of ‘magic’ that had just transpired. I felt so much better in myself. I was able to refocus on my day and get on with what I had to get done.
I share this story as a reminder of how important it is that we acknowledge the full spectrum of how we are feeling and find a healthy way to express that. Especially at this time, but this is equally important in our day-to-day interactions, life and leadership.
We need to get rid of the story of judging feelings as being ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and learn to welcome and make space for them all. We need to re-frame this idea that we should always focus on the positive, especially when it is at the expense of putting a lid on our so-called ‘negative’ emotions.
I am not suggesting for a moment that we should wallow in self-pity and stay there. What I am suggesting is that if we simply try and put a lid on the things we don’t want to feel then they will stay stuck somewhere in our bodies, wreaking potential havoc there. And they will get a stronger grip on us and keep us stuck there for even longer.
If we can, on the other hand, give these ‘feelings’ what they need – which is often simply to be acknowledged – they can then move through us and we can regain clarity, calm and the perspective that we need to be able to move forward.
You can read the full poem here.
My questions to you:
Are you making space to express all aspects of how you are feeling?
Is there anything you can do differently in supporting others to help them make space for expressing all of how they are feeling?
Please take care. Look after your emotional landscape and of course at any stage you feel any emotion feels too intense for then please get professional support. https://www.ruok.org.au/findhelp