This post looks at the beliefs we hold through the lens of being like ‘organisms’ that are fuelled from the ‘evidence’ that we feed them. It provides you with a short process to surface the limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of a reality you want to create. It then invites you to identify a possibility-fueled belief to displace the one that is keeping you stuck and to get the structure and support in place to ‘feed’ this healthy belief to so that you can intentionally create the reality you desire.
We all have a set/series of base beliefs that control how we experience ourselves, others and the world around us. These beliefs can be either limiting or enabling and from that place they either take us away from the life we want to live or toward it. They tend to be ‘I am’ declared statements, for example:
- I am a good friend/ I am a bad friend
- I am lovable/ I am not lovable
- I am capable/ I am not very capable
- I am resilient/ I am not a resilient person
- I am worthy/ I am not worthy of (being happy, belonging to this group etc ).
As an example of a limiting belief, if we have a base belief that everything in life is scary, then when events and situations happen we are more likely to react to them from a place of fear. Because this belief that life is scary governs how we see the world, we aren’t able to respond to the same events and situations from a place of possibility.
Living organisms: a metaphor for beliefs
I was recently introduced to the idea of thinking about beliefs as being living organisms. This metaphor really resonated with me, so I wanted to share it with you. Just as organisms seek out and feed off the things that nourish them, our beliefs look for evidence to validate their own viewpoint. When a belief locates evidence to support itself, the belief (as the organism) becomes bigger and stronger. Let’s look at a short example of this.
In 1987, at the age of 17, I had an English teacher say to me, ‘You really don’t write very well, do you?’ Those eight words, almost a throwaway line on the day, stayed with me. They cemented a core belief in me that what she had said was true, that I am not good at writing. She was, after all, a highly qualified and experienced teacher of English (evidence to feed that belief).
Having accepted this belief was true and that there was nothing I could do about it, the belief continued to seek out and gather ‘evidence’ to support itself. It did this for the next 30 years. 30 years: that’s a very long time. I would write a personal message on a birthday card and immediately judge it as not very good. I would take hours and hours, beyond what was reasonable, to write an otherwise straightforward board report or business presentation. I would become annoyed with myself for my seemingly inept attempt to articulate how I was feeling in my own personal journal – something no-one else was ever going to read! All this ‘evidence’ continued to fuel this belief that I was not a good writer.
It took many years for me to really understand how accepting this fear-based belief as true was limiting me in the direction I wanted to head with my life and my business.
In 2017, at the age of 47, I made a clear decision. This belief had had power over me for too long. Sitting on the cusp of a massive growth edge, I nervously yet knowingly chose to put this belief into a metaphorical ‘backpack’. It was time to allow the internal voice of my own wisdom to be truly acknowledged and lead the way. That little voice inside me was telling me that I needed to write and share what I had learned with others. With the support and encouragement of David (a professional editor) by my side, I started my blog in 2018.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing by any measure. I recall a phone call from David after I had drafted my very first blog. Let me just say for various and very legitimate reasons it was scrapped altogether. A total disaster. But I had made a start. What could have been some new evidence to support the belief that I did not write very well, I chose to ignore rather than attach any weight to it. The exciting thing was that very soon I discovered how much joy I felt when I was writing. Before long, the writing was flowing freely and I had released a flow of material and insights that wanted to be shared.
Here we are in the third year of my blog and there’s plenty more to say yet! And there is a book on the way as well.
Turning fear-based beliefs into possibility-fuelled beliefs
Perhaps you have a belief that is getting in the way of a reality you want to create or a project you want to realise or a relationship you want to nurture? Can you pin it down? Can you identify how it’s reinforcing itself with self-fulfilling ‘evidence’?
The first step in a situation like this is to get clear about the reality that you want to create. You then need to understand what you have control over.
I really wanted to share what I had learned with others through writing a blog.
I had control over choosing a different belief. I had control over starting to write anyway. I had control over identifying and engaging the support that I needed.
The next step is to surface the beliefs that are keeping you from moving toward that reality.
I am not good at written expression.
Then choose a more helpful belief:
Possibility-fuelled belief: I am worthy of sharing my experience with others through writing a blog /I am able to be useful to others through my written expression/ I am capable of writing a blog that is worth reading.
Now, there are three things to bring this all to life:
- make a conscious choice to feed the new belief and starve the old belief
- get the support in place that you need to help you create your reality, and
- start to look for evidence to nourish the possibility-fuelled belief to become bigger and stronger
In my case, the old belief – I cannot write – no longer lives within me. As I somewhat nervously published my blog, putting it out into the world, magic started to happen. I received emails and phone calls from people thanking me for something I had written that had resonated for them. This became powerful ‘evidence’ that supported my new belief – I am capable of writing a blog that is worth reading.
Do you have a new reality that you want to create?
What do you have control over in this situation?
What fear-based belief/s are limiting you?
What is the new possibility-fuelled belief that you choose?
What ‘evidence’ do you already have that supports this new belief?
What support do you need to keep growing the ‘evidence’ that makes sure this belief thrives and fuels your desired reality?
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Visit www.evolvingleaders.com.au to learn more about our Leadership Development Programs and Coaching.
Well, while it;s fair to say that 2020 has been nothing like any of us anticipated, one of the gifts for many was finding ourselves with a little more time and space on our hands.
What was the favourite thing you created this year?
Well for me there were two things: The expanded vegetable patch to now include passionfruit, kiwi fruit and more silver beet and celery than the kids would ideally like; and, the writing of a little book about what I’ve discovered about self- leadership derived from over a decade of personal and professional learning and practice.
As it turns out – both creative projects continue to be works in progress – as I battle with the birds and the possums and slugs, while also enjoying the flowers on the strawberries and tomatoes in the vegetable patch; and, simultaneously re-shaping and renaming of my little book – thanks to a dear friend and colleague who helped me to see a better way forward. I am forever indebted to the creative process with its insights and blocks and lumps and bumps until clarity finally beckons!
I can’t wait to share my little book with you in 2021.
What is clear to you now?
One of the gifts that can also come from tough times, is that we get clearer on what matters to us most and if we listen to that we can make more conscious choices about where we want to put our precious time and energy. Does that resonate for you in any way from your experience of 2020?
During this year, for me, it became even more apparent that we all have a responsibility to listen to that little voice inside of us that is saying ‘something needs to change’; to explore and connect with self around this ‘invitation’; and to take conscious action. Rinse, repeat. This is the practice of self-leadership.
Some of what I have also ‘crystalized’ this year about self-leadership is that;
– We are responsible for our own evolution and growth. Period.
– Learning about ourselves and growing our effectiveness as leaders is a lifelong process that takes focus, commitment, and a clear intention.
– Unless we carve out space to do our own personal learning, life will continue to drive us rather than enabling us to shape our own reality.
Building on all of that, what is super clear to me now is that the number 1 focus of my work in 2021 is bringing The Practice of Self-Leadership to a wider audience. This is work that we all have to do – irrespective of whether we are in a leadership role or not.
The Practice of Self Leadership will be made available to a wider audience in 2021 through:
– 6-month individual coaching programs commencing in February 2021 (I’m opening up six new places only – get in touch soon if one of those is for you),
– Self as Leader – Leadership Development Program – (in house) Continuing to facilitate our 3-month core leadership program
– Self as Leader – Leadership Development Program – (public program) – Dates for 2021 will be posted soon (via remote learning)
The good thing is that it wherever you are in the country (or in the world) The Practice of Self-Leadership – individual coaching and leadership development program can come to you. Please get in touch to register your interest or to find out more.
A moment to pause…
Conscious leadership is not possible without carving out – literally quarantining space to reflect, reset and do our self-work and there is no better time to do this than at the end of this year of 2020! So grab a piece of paper (or audio or video record it on your phone if that’s your thing) and take a few moments to reflect on these questions:
Fill in the blank: This year, I feel proud of myself because ___________.
Which six ‘feeling’ words describe your experience of 2020?
What was the favourite thing you created this year? (a project, a fabulous meal, a garden, space for you….)
Can you remember a time in 2020 when you thought you couldn’t do something (“This is too hard, I’m overwhelmed, I can’t do this”), but then you surprised yourself and you did it?
What is something you want to leave behind in 2020 and not carry into 2021?
What’s your intention for the festive /holiday season? (I wish to experience…….)
Take a big breath out …. you deserve it
A special thanks to the wonderful leaders I have had the privilege of supporting in 2020. It’s been a massive year. To those of you in the world still in the thick of the pandemic sending love and healing to you.
To my fellow Victorians well done – we did it. Sending love and light for the festive season wherever you are.
See you in 2021.
With love
Nicola x
There is a lot to navigate right now isn’t there? How are you holding up?
When Dan Andrews announced extensions of stage 4 restrictions for Melbourne Lockdown 2.0 on Father’s Day 2020, the news wasn’t unexpected. In some ways I let it wash over me that day. That night, however, I tossed and turned and did not sleep well.
Monday came around again and as I was looking down the barrel of another week of what felt at the time like Groundhog Day, I awoke feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how I or anyone else was going to endure several more weeks of lockdown. I felt heavy and stuck and I was unable, in that moment, to focus on anything other than doom and gloom.
To compound how I was feeling, I started to feel guilty about feeling that way. Given all that I have to be grateful for in my life I should be able to just think positive thoughts and get on with it.
How often do we give that advice to ourselves and offer or give that advice to others? It has its place but sometimes it’s not helpful and can even be harmful.
Not surprisingly this harsh inner-critic compounded how I was feeling. Luckily for me, with my husband working from home we had some extra time together over breakfast (one of the many gifts that isolation has given us). He was able to be present with me and just listened as I explained to him how I was feeling in that moment. I didn’t hold back and left no stone unturned. He didn’t try and ‘fix’ anything. He was present and he listened. I cried. He passed the tissues and he listened.
After the 10 minutes it took for me to do the offload, he said, ‘I am sorry that you are feeling that way’ and gave me a big hug.
You know what happened then? The veil of heaviness that had surrounded me began to lift. I felt so much lighter. I mustered up the energy for a walk and reflected on that little bit of ‘magic’ that had just transpired. I felt so much better in myself. I was able to refocus on my day and get on with what I had to get done.
I share this story as a reminder of how important it is that we acknowledge the full spectrum of how we are feeling and find a healthy way to express that. Especially at this time, but this is equally important in our day-to-day interactions, life and leadership.
We need to get rid of the story of judging feelings as being ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and learn to welcome and make space for them all. We need to re-frame this idea that we should always focus on the positive, especially when it is at the expense of putting a lid on our so-called ‘negative’ emotions.
I am not suggesting for a moment that we should wallow in self-pity and stay there. What I am suggesting is that if we simply try and put a lid on the things we don’t want to feel then they will stay stuck somewhere in our bodies, wreaking potential havoc there. And they will get a stronger grip on us and keep us stuck there for even longer.
If we can, on the other hand, give these ‘feelings’ what they need – which is often simply to be acknowledged – they can then move through us and we can regain clarity, calm and the perspective that we need to be able to move forward.
You can read the full poem here.
My questions to you:
Are you making space to express all aspects of how you are feeling?
Is there anything you can do differently in supporting others to help them make space for expressing all of how they are feeling?
Please take care. Look after your emotional landscape and of course at any stage you feel any emotion feels too intense for then please get professional support. https://www.ruok.org.au/findhelp
This post shares a personal story and suggests that every human being on the planet right now, in some shape or form, is facing into their own ‘growth edge’. It invites the reader to reflect on what they are noticing in themselves and others in terms of this personal learning and highlights that perhaps the luckiest people right now have leaders and organisations that are providing development and wellbeing support for their people.
Meet Elaine. She is my delightful 84-year-old mother-in law. Elaine left school at age 15 to help with home duties on the family farm and continued in that role all through motherhood and grandmother-hood.
In her lifetime, she has baked tonnes of lemon slice and the arguably the best chocolate cake ever. When she isn’t baking, she pours all her energy and focus into supporting her community and showering us – the family – with her love.
Throughout her lifetime, Elaine has felt no desire for, nor any reason to, use a computer or a smartphone. And so, in March 2020, as the world felt like it was closing in on all of us, we realised that that Elaine would soon be in total isolation. Without even the stilted connectedness the internet offers the rest of us, she would have very limited contact with her her family and friends, and we were concerned about the flow-on impact this would have on her overall wellbeing.
So, without further thought, we purchased her an iPad. In a curious way, one of the first questions she asked was, ‘Why is the keyboard not in alphabetical order?’ She had never used any sort of keyboard in her life, let alone an email address. How much we take for granted! This was completely uncharted territory for her.
The rest is history.
True to form, with her enthusiastic approach to a new challenge, she was up-and-running in no time. The pure delight we witnessed when Elaine had her whole family (across many geographical locations) in front of her on the first Facetime call is a precious moment that will stay in my heart forever.
If you had said to me six months ago that, in the year 2020, Elaine would be making Facetime calls, ordering her groceries and doing her banking online, I would have broken out in laughter!
But she was soon doing all of that. We are so proud of her.
Elaine’s story got me thinking about what the disruption of this year has meant to all of us in terms of the learning we have been somewhat forced to do or had to do in many ways. What became clear to me is that every human being on the planet right now has had to confront their own fear at some level and learn something new, or make some change that they would not have made without the pandemic.
No one is exempt. It has been, and continues to be, a true ‘growth edge’ experience for us all. (Read more about growth edge here)
Do you agree? Where have you noticed this happening?
What are you being asked to or forced to change at this time?
What is your personal growth edge right now?
Some examples from my own ‘growth edge backyard’ are:
- quickly getting up to speed and proficient at creating connection and engagement online so as to be able to effectively deliver team development via an online platform. Like many, I still really don’t like facilitating groups on Microsoft Teams, but at least I know how to do it.
- taming my voice in our family to allow each person an equal say in shaping the healthy boundaries needed for life in isolation in a household of five people (that is, learning to listen better and not assuming I always have the best answer)
- establishing a healthy and productive work rhythm by creating greater structure around my allocated working hours, which in my case means 90 minute cycles then taking a break (here is a great article on this topic).
Most clients that I am currently working with are struggling with many aspects of work and life – juggling home schooling, too many hours on Zoom and experiencing other financial and social pressures. It’s the norm rather than the exception right now.
What is being demanded of people by this pandemic in terms of growing and changing for many feels heavy and hard. I am also noticing, however, that the luckiest people during this time work in organisations and with leaders that recognise the need for, and are investing in, the wellbeing and development of their people. It is from this support base, that people can begin to make sense of themselves and their own experiences and begin to see some reward and celebration of their efforts on the other side.
The benefits flow on, as when this growth edge can be applied within a broader team context, it is even more powerful. As individuals grow and change and are able to be more vulnerable and courageous with themselves – as 84-year-old Elaine has demonstrated so well, and when they can do this with their teams as well, then team culture can grow in ways that are good for all.
Could you or your team do with support right now? Please get in touch to book your team development – delivered remotely of course.
The previous post outlined why reflective practice is a leadership super power and surfaced some of the richness that reflection brings. This post explores three of the barriers to creating space and time to reflect and provides you with a structure to get started.
My previous blog post explored why reflective practice is a leadership super power and surfaced some of the benefits and insights that reflection helps us with. In this post I want to explore three of the internal barriers to getting started and provide you with a framework and some great questions to inspire you to do it anyway!
The reality is that reflective practice is something most people, including most leaders, have never done. We live in a society, and certainly in workplaces, in which ‘doing’ and ‘tasks’ are what are valued and creating space to reflect and learn is far from the reality.
Three main barriers to reflective practice
There are three main barriers that get in the way of us creating space and therefore creating the environment to reflect:
- We don’t schedule it/plan for it/turn up for it
- We don’t value it – ‘Why would I bother doing that?’
- We think that what it might show up for us feels too daunting and scary – so it is safer/better not to do it at all
Let’s explore these:
- We don’t schedule it/plan for it/turn up for it
In my earlier ‘Five keys to creating conscious change and restoring wellbeing’ post, I introduced the 5S leadership self-care model. The first S in this model talks about making ‘space’ – carving out space – which means scheduling it into your calendar and creating the conditions to support that schedule (such as finding the best environment for you to be able to bring your full focus to the intended activity: reflection).
Even if you do schedule time for reflective practice, it can be all too easily get ‘bumped’ for something more ‘important’ that appears on your to-do list. The biggest tip I can offer here is schedule it and show up fully for yourself – no excuses. Treat it as you would a meeting with your boss or a client.
2. We don’t value it – ‘Why would I bother doing that?
If we don’t understand the benefits of a new practice, we won’t value it. My hope is that if this is new for you, that some of what has been explored in the previous post will help you to at least feel tempted to give it a go. Perhaps ask around and connect with another leader who you know does use reflective practice and ask them personally about why they do it and how they go about doing it.
3. We think that what it might show up for us feels too daunting and scary – so it is safer/better not to do it at all
In a crazy-busy life, we often have a backlog of things we need to process and make sense of. If this is the case for you, then carving out space can feel quite daunting and even scary. Why?
Because sometimes we keep ourselves so busy because that means we don’t have to look at and face up to what is really happening and true for us. If we don’t look towards this stuff and keep running from it, then we don’t need to have that honest conversation with ourselves or another, and we won’t need to make a choice or decision that may mean change. Right?
This can be a sensible and even worthy strategy in the short term, depending on life circumstances. However, in the medium to longer term it will catch up with us. If we keep ‘shying away’ from what we know is true for us and pretending that everything is okay – if we don’t start to face up to what is really true for us – we can begin to compromise the very core of our being. That doesn’t serve you, the situation or anybody else.
Can you relate to any of the above? What is standing in the way of you reflecting?
Getting started with reflective practice
Here is a framework that might help to get you started:
- Schedule it
- Show up for it
- Structure it
Option 1
- Recall and review: identify a recent situation/event/conversation/feeling/trigger that you want to explore. Capture the key points you recall, replay the conversation in your head and/or begin the process of a written journal.
- What are the key learnings?
- What did you notice?
- What did you say?
- How did you feel?
- What were you most proud of?
- What were you not so proud of?
- What do you now understand about yourself?
- What do you now understand about the situation?
- Set direction with what you now understand about yourself. The situation, the other person, etc. What will you do differently next time? What is your intention and course of action from here?
Option 2
Thinking about the past week or month, ask yourself the following questions:
- What am I most proud of?
- When have I felt triggered by a particular situation or event?
- What made me feel that way?
- What can I observe/learn about myself in this situation?
- What action do I need to take from here (if any?)
Leaders who thrive are those who care enough about themselves and those they lead to do this – to look in their own backyard and do their own self-work.
Still feeling too tough? You don’t have to go it alone. A good way to start might be to get yourself a leadership coach who can ‘hold the space’ for you so you can begin a gentle journey inwards.
I also recommend the host of resources referred to in my ‘Five keys to creating conscious change and restoring wellbeing’ post. Perhaps you simply feel ready to grab a notebook and get started?
To reiterate the closing words in my last post:
One of the greatest leadership/life challenges is knowing who we are and what matters to us at our core AND not letting the busyness of life and a multitude of external distractions pull us away from that.
One thing is guaranteed: unless you deliberately and regularly carve out space to engage in reflective practice and take a balcony perspective, life will pull you off course from your centre – from who you are and what matters to you.
If you do build a reflective practice into your rhythm in life, the conversations might be tougher but the outcomes will also be richer.
The choice is yours. What do you choose?
The previous post involved a personal story that highlighted the shifts that can happen when we make space to reflect. This post builds on that example and explores other benefits of reflection, why the reflective practice is a leadership super power and how to build it as a practice into your own way of being.
Leaders whom I work with in a coaching capacity often comment that during our time together they experience a sense of space and an absence of judgement. They appreciate the chance to slow down and reflect. It’s from this place that clarity and insight become available resulting in better decisions, choices and outcomes.
To be truly conscious, awake and aware of both your inner landscape and the outer terrain of work and life requires a paradigm shift for leaders about the importance of something I believe is a leadership ‘super- power’: reflective practice.
I wish I could find a better term for it than ‘reflective practice’ – I know it sounds more like something that nuns would prescribe as a punishment at boarding school than a leadership super power. (Perhaps you can suggest a better name?)
Nevertheless, it’s the sentiment rather than the name that is important.
Reflective practice needs to become something that happens not just in a formal setting such as coaching. Rather, it needs to extend to become an integrated part of your daily, weekly, monthly and yearly modus operandi as a leader.
What is reflective practice?
Joseph A Raelin, in his article‘”I don’t have time to think” versus the art of reflective practice’,defines reflection as:
‘the practice of periodically stepping back to ponder the meaning of what has recently transpired to ourselves and to others in our immediate environment. It illuminates what the self and others have experienced, providing a basis for future action.’
How does reflective practice help?
As highlighted in the personal story in my previous post, often when we are in the middle of a situation, particularly a stressful one, we cannot maintain the perspective we need to be able to see the situation holistically. It’s only when we create the space and time to reflect that we are able to ‘step off the dance floor’ and get a broader ‘balcony’ perspective of what’s going on. The outcome? Insight, insight, insight. Insight about how you showed up effectively (or not so effectively). A greater capacity to see the perspective of others. The opportunity to identify what ‘triggers’ you and to explore why. The chance to bring light to a problem that may have felt impossible to solve, creating new options and a clear pathway forward.
Why does this matter? Because the consequence of not making time to reflect is quite possibly collateral damage to projects and relationships; damage that is inevitable when we operate completely in action and reaction.
Perhaps you can recall a specific example of where this may have happened to you? Or the opposite: can you think of a time when you did create the time and space to reflect on a challenge and experienced a positive outcome as a result?
What are the benefits?
Some of the benefits of reflective practice are:
- Seeing below the surface to reveal what really is happening. Reflective practice can make the invisible visible. For instance, it can bring to the surface a personal value that might be important to yourself or others and that might explain why a conversation/ outcome/ situation went in a particular direction.
- Restoring wellbeing:
- A simple shift from ‘doing’ constantly to taking space out to ‘be’ helps our nervous system to restore balance (Blog: Mastering thinking and doing AND feeling and being).
- A dose each of compassion and self-compassion will go a long way towards resolving something that doesn’t feel so good so that you can let it move through you (Blog: Are you being a good friend to yourself?)
- Reflective practice opens the opportunity for gratitude. Research has shown that the practice of gratitude has many positive benefits (https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/benefits-gratitude-research-questions/ )
- Connecting the dots. With reflective practice we may begin to see connections between behaviours, actions or situations that previously didn’t appear to be connected. For example, when I learned that one of the personal values of a colleague was ‘control’, I started to understand some of the ways she was behaving in our collaboration. I had previously I felt that her behaviour was out of character and not really serving our partnership. This provided an opportunity to open up the conversation. Connecting the dots can also happen within our own internal landscape. To share a personal example: understanding that the reason I was overprotective of my daughter stemmed from an experience in my past in which I didn’t feel safe.
- Insight, insight, insight. Reflective practice ignites learning about ourselves and the people and world around us. This is essential if we want to live and lead consciously and learn and grow.
- Strengthening connections: with ourselves – what matters to us at our core – and in our relationships with other people.
- Shifting you out of a reactive mindset to allow constructive ‘above the line’ responses. Reflective practice will make you less likely to react and add fuel to what might already be a difficult situation. You are more likely to ‘discharge the heat’ and approach the next conversation in a more open and constructive manner. ( If this concept is new to you – check out this 3 minute u-tube – it’s a concept well worth knowing)
One of the greatest leadership/life challenges is knowing who we are and what matters to us at our core while also not letting the busyness of life and a multitude of external distractions pull us away from that.
One thing is guaranteed: unless you deliberately and regularly carve out space to engage in reflective practice and take a balcony perspective, life will pull you off course from your centre – from who you are and what matters to you.
On the other hand, if you do build reflective practice into the rhythm of your life, the conversations might be tougher but the outcomes will be so much richer.
In my next post, I outline one of the big road blocks that many people experience in getting started with reflection and provide some tips and great questions to get you started.